After swimming with sea turtles, surfing, and gorging myself on Hawaiian's fine dining, I find myself in need of a rest from my vacation. It came in the form of not being able to drag myself out of bed yesterday, so I called in sick and slept until 3:00 in the afternoon.
I didn't know when I planned this vacation that there would be anyone to miss. I bought my ticket in February and my first date with Tre was on March 17th. I didn't spend my whole time missing him. Believe me I enjoyed paradise to its fullest, but there were moments I wish I could have shared with him. Like when I saw dolphins or went surfing or when I walked along the beach watching the stars grace the night sky.
I missed Tre', but not having him there didn't destroy my experience. I was there with one of my best friends and had a great time with her. I've been in relationships in the past that ruined the time I spent apart from that person. In those relationships the fact that person wasn't there caused a walk on the beach in paradise to seem less valuable than if they were. I like that I don't feel that way now. That value now for me stems from something much deeper.
I wanted to spend some time thinking about my future while in Hawaii. It didn't really happen. I have a couple of directions that I could take educationally, but I feel like I need to wait right now. The only answer I got when I lifted these questions in prayer was, "Do what you love." Rather cryptic and directionless if you ask me.
Well, what do I love? That question alone poses the biggest threat to my future.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
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4 comments:
Kelly,
I'm very glad to hear that although you would have enjoyed certain things more had Tré been there, your time was not ruined by his not being there. Very cool indeed. And healthy I think.
Your closing sentence throws me a bit though. Why does what you love pose a threat? Why is what you love a seemingly negative thing for your future?
Well, I guess - since you ask, it's not that I see something negative in my future --it's that in order to get past the pain of my divorce I have scripted my life in different ways. One of those scripts includes doing something academic and I have even written out course by course how to make that happen. I know that was a coping mechanism and I'm not scripting anymore. This is a healthier place to be, but it also leaves my future a little more open, less predetermined and ultimately a bit more dangerous. This threatens the part of my that wants to know what's coming while at the same time releasing the part of me that needs to let go.
To do what I love - soley for the reason of loving it. Well, that would be a very different script.
Gotcha. Makes sense. Ya listen to Sara Groves at all?
She has a song on her new disc. Not that I agree with every word, but the sentiment definitely is true. Just came to mind:
Just Showed Up
Oh, and when are you and Tré coming over to cook us dinner? :-) We're moving in a couple of weeks, but after that the schedule is wiiiiiide open.
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