If I like to write why do I find it so hard to sit down and do it? Why does my grammar disappear and creativity float out the window? I begin to doubt myself, my voice, my importance... I doubt my purpose. I've lived through so much and I have thoughts and ideas to share, but I feel so small and insignificant. I just struggle with knowing where to start, so I haven't started. Then I feel guilty about not starting so I continue to NOT start. It's a bad cycle. A rut. I just took a grammar exam. I only got 70% so the company didn't want me to write for them. How to I get better if I never start? How will anyone hear me if I never speak out. I suppose the biggest share I have is my relationship with the Lord. It's been a real tug'o war lately. I feel like I keep putting words in His mouth. I am so Christianized. I've gone to church most of my life (usually Baptist or non denominational that's like Baptist) and then I went to a Christian University after that. I feel like all that Christian noise drowns out what God is trying to tell me. I want to write what I know. I know Christian faith, divorce, depression, motherhood, childbirth, cancer... But then, my life doesn't revolve around these topics. Lately, I've been in a season of loss. We moved to Yakima, Washington and I left so many relationships behind. Some relationships were good and some were easier to let go. I've let go of my relationship with my mom. I let go of the life we were living in Portland. It just felt overwhelming. My husband was making barely enough working two jobs and then he was fired/let go from his church job without any notice. I scrambled. We decided to make the plunge to move to Yakima - we have friends and family here, it seemed possible/plausible to move. But, I lack a sense of purpose here. Our days are backwards with Tre working in the evenings. The house we bought needs so much work. I'm just lost right now. I'm afraid my Christianize has drowned out God's voice. Maybe he was telling us not to go and we just barreled right past him. I've learned that I like happy endings. I feel like I leapt past a whole lot of steps to get here. I fought tragedy with triumph, but I don't feel triumphant. I feel wounded from our church. I feel like I should be making money and contributing more to our household. I feel like we're still under financially when we should be fine. We had so many connections in Portland that we don't have here. I don't know if moving here was as advantageous as I first hoped. But, there was really no way to know before leaping. Usually I leap and land just fine. I'm not usually thrown like this. I know this is a better community for Vivianne. I know Tre had a better and less stressful job. I have a house with a beautiful view and hopefully some sweat equity in our home already. I am so grateful for all that we have... so why do I miss our 1000 square foot home with the crazy neighbors in Rockwood so badly?