Dreaming

I had a dream earlier this week about Nick. In my dream, I was trying to steal Amber's journal (Amber is the woman he cheated on me with). I snuck into their apartment and calmed down a big German shepherd who was guarding their place. I opened her dresser drawer and found dozens and dozens of journals. I was elated and a bit overwhelmed by my find. I tried to locate the journal she kept during 2003-2004 when the affair happened. I was skimming through her journals when I started panicking. The journals started fumbling out of my hands onto the floor. I grabbed one at random, stuffed the rest back into the drawer and left immediately.

I was just down the hallway of their apartment building when I heard them coming up the stairs. I hid behind a bend in the hall and watched them go into their apartment. I opened the journal to see what she'd written. To try and understand what was going on in her head when she pursued Nick and/or responded to his advances in those months preceding my discovery of their affair. I opened the journal and must of opened my eyes too. I was suddenly in my bed, awake, with a yearning to go back to sleep and discover the juicy secrets that lay in the red spiral bound notebook I'd stolen.

I want to know. I want to know what preceded the adultery, the deceit and eventual demise of my marriage. I know I am in a much better place now, but my subconscious still wonders. It wonders what I did, what he did and what she did. The only one who probably knows the whole truth is Butters and he just won't talk. I find myself searching for answers on the internet - maybe they have a blog, maybe a facebook or myspace account. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I look. I wonder. I wonder how they can move on in the face of what they've done, of who they are, of who they've hurt.

I know they deserve each other and yet my heart yearns for some kind of sentiment that they know that.

I had another dream, years ago now, about them. It was very soon after I found out about their affair. Again, I was sneaking into their apartment - I think I was hiding in the closet, wanting to see with my own eyes that it was real. To believe they truly were together. Nick, at the time, pretended that he was leaving me only because he didn’t want to be married anymore. I knew it was partly that and partly because he had this other girl in his pocket. I spent a few solid months working to expose this, which I eventually did. In my dream, I watched them interact from the slats in a hall closet. They didn't do anything spectacular. Again, there was a dog. He exposed my hiding place and Nick ordered me to leave.

When I woke I realized that I was now on the outside of their relationship. It was one giant step in recognizing that my marriage was over. It wasn't all about me and Nick anymore -- I was the third wheel; I really wasn't wanted anymore and I had no power to change that.

I think the dream I had this week is another step towards acceptance. It is acknowledging the yearning I have to see that they are unhappy and recognize what they did was wrong and hurtful. Even though I know these are not things I should be seeking, it's been damn hard to satiate the desire for them.

I stopped writing this blog because either Nick, Amber or a Nick supporter wrote a few disparaging comments on a blog entry I wrote a few years back. I became aware that unfriendly eyes read this stuff too. I also feel like people have this expectation, now that I'm married, that my divorce and the pain of it all dissipated into the atmosphere with my new husband. Or maybe I have that expectation of myself. Having your face ground into dog shit and then getting handed an ice-cream cone, doesn't change the fact that your face was ground into dog shit. There is residual pain that will continue to haunt me -- exposing it and sharing it diminishes its affect. Hiding it and pretending like everything is wonderful now that I am married does not. I accept that mean people read what I write too and I choose to let that go. I want to be honest here.

I am in counseling now. Not because of what Nick did to me - but because I have a hard time trusting people with my real self. The leadership team at Core Life Church suggested that I start it this summer. They’ve seen me running in circles, getting lost, getting angry - getting hurt. Angry at myself for letting it all spiral out of control, angry at myself for not reigning it in and accepting Tre's good and true love as a solvent for my frustrations. I’m angry at God for not being that healing balm that's promised in scripture and also at myself for not accepting that healing balm that's promised in scripture.

I need a place to share my life without a façade; a place to share my true self. This blog started out that way and it can be that way again. Come as you are -- broken, weary from the winding roads that brought you here; courageous and unafraid to expose things as they are and to deal with them in real time. I want that. I want to stop pretending.

Super Heroes

Our costumes for the Super-Hero bowling night for our church.

Costumes were made of recyled material (AKA - stuff around our house), so they were even "green." :)

My favorite Hymn

Lyrics to "How deep the Father's love for us"
How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen

OneBring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon the cross

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom.

So I think this things broken...

No, actually it's user error. Sorry I haven't written in so long, but Tre and I have decided to combine blogs - since we've both been bad bloggers. Sorry - Vanessa, who asked a month ago for an update. So, we're going to combine things and hope we keep things steady enough for all.

I'll get back to ya soon with a link to the new blog.

My Guys

These are my guys -- All three of them got haircuts this weekend. I'll post more later.

Check out today's Columbian

I see England, I see France

So, I've been gone for ten days traversing through England and France. The picture to the right is one of me showing off my chopstick skills -- after a couple glasses of sake. Not bad, I have to say. :P I'm holding a glass eye made my one of the exhibitors at our tradeshow convention. I was surrounded by glass eyes, (almost) nude models being body painted and famous makeup artists like Rick Baker... anyone see a Werewolf in London, or Nick Dudman -- Harry Potter anyone? The tradeshow was a success - it was stressful and a lot of work and it was so nice to have France to look forward to.



We got to spend a night in downtown London. We being my co-workers Cheryl and Jennifer who I also went to Nice with. This is me at Trifalger square in front of one of the four lions. Yes, I did climb it and got some pictures taken, but none of them turned out. We had dinner in a pub -- fish and chips and a pint of cider and did a short walking tour of Westminster, Trafalgar square and the eye of London. We crossed the Tames river and took a tube ride getting as much London in as possible in four short hours. Then it was off to Nice.

This is the view from our villa in France. We got to see some beautiful sunrises and sunsets from this location. When we got to the house after a fairly treacherous ordeal involving me becoming our sole driver in France --lots of windy roads. I closed my eyes on our flight home and all I saw were potentially hazardous, incredibly narrow poorly paved roadways. The pictures below is of the some of the beautiful flowers from the market we found one of our (as stated before) treacherous rides. It was definately a breath of fresh air to get out of the car and onto to two fairly solid feet.

Here is a dorky hat I found -- not quite a berate, I'm not sure quite what it is. Funny enough - my friend Cheryl kept saying that "I'm definitely part of the myspace generation," which means I like to take pictures of myself. We all exchanged photos at the end and I blushed deeper and deeper as not one, two or even three narcissistic photos were revealed, but like eleven. Oh myspace!



So, next I met Adam Et Eve. Here is me holding their hands - I tried swinging, but they were too close together. This picture was taken when we were in Monte Carlo. I gambled five Euros and enjoyed a very expensive lunch in front of the casino. It was ridiculous. Then we walked through the mall - I couldn't even afford socks at that mall. We started feeling like Nice was the Canal street of France. Oh, quick note -- wine and sparkling wine are both cheaper than milk -- I guess that depends, but we got pretty good wine for less than the bottle of milk we got. Good thing because we went through a lot more wine than milk.


Below is one of the sunsets we caught on the coast of the Mediterranean. I didn't go skinny dipping -- too cold and not private enough. But I did gather stones for jewelry making and drank red wine as the sun went down. So beautiful -- I am so blessed to have had this experience.

Christmas + 1

Who has a wonderful husband, a wonderful kitty and now a wonderful puppy -- why I think that's me. We are a little family now. In my picture collage - you can see Butters sporting reigndeer antlers, Max in the snow, my husband and Max ready for a Christmas party -- doesn't it look like he's wearning a bowtie (Max, not Tre), our beautifully lighted Christmas tree and last, but certainly not least - our pumpkin soup. This soup was made from pumpkins plucked from our own backyard and the drawing was done by yours truly - Tre made the soup and the crem' fresh that I used to decorate with.

Christmas was wonderful. I got the kitchen aid blender that's been on my list for years, Tre got a beard trimmer set that he's been wanting and we got a puppy. His name is Max and he's really small - almost too small, we're hoping he gets a tad bit bigger. He's a pug/poodle mix which makes him a poogle or a pug-a-poo. He's really just a mutt - and we really like him. He's pretty docile and he was the runt of his litter -- we're watching him and Butters get to know each other. No blood yet.

My mom and sister came down for Christmas, chowed with us, opened presents and then had to drive quickly home. It was a great time with family - we played games and relaxed and played with the new puppy.

Newyears was great too -- I'll post some pictures about that soon.

Palaces and France oh my

So, here it us -- the Alexandra Palace. The home of IMATS London 2008 and my place of work on January 26th & 27th. This is where the international makeup artist tradeshow, hosted by Makeup Artist Magazine will take place. I will be working the booth, dealing with foreign currency and making sure everything is just right for the big show.

It's coming up -- we leave on Wednesday, January 23rd and fly back on February 2nd. I'll be gone 10 whole days, the last four of which, I get to spend in Nice, France with some of my co-workers.

I remember watching an Alias several years ago where Sydney Bristow got to do an operation in Nice, France and I decided then that I wanted to go there; silly - yes, but here's my chance. The flight is a nominal fee and the housing is free. Yeah for friends with homes in the south of France -- we just love 'em. Well, I'll keep you posted on all my happenings -- I'm sure to have more than a few pictures to post when I get back.