My Future Ring

Here are two wonderful shots of my future wedding ring. Yes -- the image is green. It's a wax molding -- the real ring is ready now though and we're going to pick it up Saturday. I don't get to wear it until the day of, but it's here!

Now that we're engaged all of the crazy planning has begun. Within a week we had a church, a reception site, and a photographer. We have a wedding Coordinator and a Reception Coordinator. I have my dress, shoes, veil, slip -- and other accessories. My girls have their dresses and shoes, we've picked out the tuxes. I've bought the flowergirl dresses and a wedding cake topper.

We have flowers left to figure out (well order -- I know what I want) and wedding decorations. Tre and I both have gotten our rings this week and are going up to the church on Saturday to have a look around and begin working things out with both our wedding and reception coordinator.

Oh, and we start marriage counseling next week. It's been such a whirlwind -- sometimes I feel it's coming to slow, sometimes I feel like I need a break, and sometimes it's not coming quick enough.

People have asked me what's different between then and now. There's a lot of differences between my exhusband and Tre', but as I think about it -- I think the biggest difference between then and now is me.

I'm just a different person now than I was then... and I think that's a good thing. I watched the movie "Catch and Release" with Jennifer Garner a couple weeks ago and really connected with a lot of what the main character went through. The basic synopsis of the story was about a woman who's fiance' died two days before their wedding. There is a lot of grief and pain because of that loss, obviously, but as the movie progresses you see that there was more to the woman's fiance' than she knew. You find out, as she does, that her fiance had secrets -- secrets that she would never have found out about without his death.

Her fiance has a large sum of money and a child that he has been secretly paying child-support for. In the end, after things have been resolved - the mother of the child turns to the main character and say's "You didn't have to know about this, you could have had good memories about him and we messed that up for you..." But, that would have been false -- it would have fed the illusion and would have impeded the growth of Jeniffer Garner's character.

I'm honestly glad that I know what I know about my exhusband. I remember thinking that it would have been easier if he'd just died from his cancer -- then at least I'd have good memories of him. Then he could have been my hero instead of my betrayer. But, that's not what I got. I got a difficult, but real dose of reality when I found out my exhusband had cheated on me. That reality -- that truth changed me -- changed me, I think, for the better.

I took a class called "Recovering in Grace" last fall and the instructor talked about absorbing our pain. It's different than relogating it to the side and pushing it away -- absorbing our pain makes us larger people - people who understand how the world really can fall apart. It's been a harrowing experience, but I wouldn't trade that truth for anything.

So, as Tre and I pick colors, decide on rings, and plan out our ceremony -- I have this vantage point -- and it doesn't make things more scary -- it, crazily enough, makes things more solid.

We're Engaged!

On Sunday morning I wrote in my journal: “I have been divorced two years now today, 01/7/07. Each year, the pain of that day lessens and I’m so glad for that. I know this marker is fading in my life, please fill it with new makers, Abba, new anniversaries.”

Sunday afternoon, Melody picked me up at my house to run errands for Scott’s surprise birthday party. Scott turned 30 on Saturday so Melody was planning a surprise party for him at the A-frame, or so I thought. Melody had been sick for the last couple of days so it made sense, at least to me, that we’d be doing errands that late. She and I went to the World Market to get Scott his favorite beer, to the Dollar Store to get some noise makers, and to Burger King to get him a Burger King crown to wear at the party. Our last errand was to get some posters at the church office to decorate the A-frame.

I’d never been to the church offices before. We drove up and I saw a car that looked suspiciously like Tre’s, but Melody diverted my attention quickly. We walked up a flight of stairs to the office, turned a corner, and walked down a dark hallway.

Melody got out her key, but I could see what was awaiting me in through a window next to the door. The room was lit by candles, silk rose petals covered the table, and Tre’ stood in the corner of the room with a dozen roses. I was shocked. Melody got the door opened and I took a few hesitant steps into the room. I think she said I’ll see you later, as Tre’ came over to the door and helped guide me into the room.

“What a Wonderful World,” was playing in the background and Tre’ led my stunned form into a slow dance as I adjusted to the surprise. A basin of water was on the table, along with soaps and perfumes. He sat me down on the chair and took off my shoes and socks.

Nine months earlier, Tre performed a similar move when he told me for the first time that he loved me. He promised to love me as Christ loves the Church – sacrificially and as a servant. He also told me later that night that he’s always planned on proposing to his wife that way… with a toe ring.

When he sat me down, I knew what was coming. Tre’ added hot water to the basin and knelt down in front of me. Just a warning to all you ladies: always shave!  He washed my feet and said some wonderful, private things. He slipped a toe ring on my foot and then reached for a small, box hidden on the table. Tre’ asked if I would marry him and in my head I said, “I will,” but apparently all that came out was a big smile and vigorous nodding.

After hugging and kissing we stood to take communion together. Tre’ served the elements and then we hugged and kissed some more. We held each other close and danced again; it was good to have a time to absorb the moment.

Little did I know that Tre’ was actually stalling. He showed me the office after that and the posters Melody and I were supposed to get. Then we left the office to go to “Scott’s party” at the A-frame.
We walked downstairs and around the corner to the car. We passed by Café Delirium – all the windows were closed except one. I glanced through it and saw people that I knew. I stopped 10 feet away from the door as I realized that we weren’t going to the A-frame. Our engagement wasn’t part of Scott’s party – Scott’s party was a cover for our engagement.

We walked through the front door of the shop and were greeted by over sixty of our close friends. They cheered and then cheered again when Tre’ said, “She said yes!” I didn’t move from my spot for the next two hours. Friends kept coming up to me – friends from all areas and time periods of my life, friends who know my story and are excited for me and for Tre'.

Heidi and Shari made coffee drinks for everyone, while a slideshow played in the background and people played board games and talked. It was beautiful! I am still recovering from the shock and perfection of it all. Everyone was in on it and it made the evening so wonderful. Thank you all so much for keeping this night secret for me.

After it was all over Tre’ showed me all of the emails he sent back and forth about the party. He told me long ago that it would happen right under my nose – and it did. He handed out invitations to the party right in front of me – he even gave me a fake invitation to Scott’s party while everyone else was invited to our surprise engagement party.

We are getting married six months from the night of our engagement 07/07/07. Tre’ said he wanted a six month engagement – no more, no less. So, mark your calendars.

I couldn’t sleep Sunday night and found myself journaling into the wee hours of the morning. At 2:45am this is what I wrote: “Well Lord, you are one for answering prayer. Tre’ proposed to me tonight and he nailed it. He took a day, a marker in my life and redeemed it. You Lord, took a day that left me shattered and broken and brought me healing. I am awake now and cannot sleep. I just wish morning would come.”


  

 
  

Boone

My score on The Which Lost Character Are You Test:


style="font-size:18pt;font-weight:bold;">Boone/>style="font-size:12pt">(You scored 69% kindness, 47% courage, 23% seedy past, and 30% secretiveness!)
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"I know you made a promise. I'm letting you off the hook. Let me go, Jack."

You are Boone. You are kind and brave, with a slightly less checkered past than your fellow survivors. You are an open book, and do not keep secrets from anyone. While your humanitarian efforts are chivalrous, being so trusting and helpful can get you into major trouble...especially when you spend your days hanging around John Locke. Stay away from the manipulative types and you should be winning a Nobel Peace Prize in no time.

Your polar opposite is: &Danielle.
You are similar to: &Jack and &Claire.

Link: The Which Lost Character Are You Test
(OkCupid Free Online Dating)

How many of me are there?

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 451 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

I was a cat with loads of life experience

You Were a Cat

You are an independent person who inspires others with your dreams. A calm protector, you will fight when you need to.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

You've Experienced 80% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get. And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

ENFP

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Star Wars - How do you say Uhura?

Your results:
You are Uhura

Uhura 100% Chekov 80% Deanna Troi 80% Worf 60% James T. Kirk (Captain) 40% Spock 40% Mr. Scott 40% Mr. Sulu 40% Beverly Crusher 40% Geordi LaForge 40% Will Riker 40% Data 28% Jean-Luc Picard 20% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 20% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 0%

You are a good communicator with a pleasant soft-spoken voice. Also a talented singer.

Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character are you?" quiz...

Things have been a bit busy...

 
Well, it's been over a month and a half since I've posted anything - let's just say things have been busy. The picture above (or to the left - I never know how these things will post) is of my office crew. We're all wearing our new coats purchased by Tim Uthmann my, now former, boss.

Tim got a jacket for all of us and our new director Ian Durias. The transition has been fairly smooth and I could also see the Lord's hand in the timing of it all. Tim and Rachel were scheduled to leave the first week of September for training in Chicago -- they are planning on serving in Italy with a refugee ministry. Rachel has done something similiar to this in Greece, but Italy is a more central location and in need leadership. Anyways, back to that timing thing.

Tim and Rachel were planning on leaving for training, but postponed their travel due to some significant challenges their church is now facing. The net result is that they are now both assistant pastors at The Pearl. Time, they otherwise would not have had, suddenly became available so they can minister to their church body-- it's exciting to see God's hand in that.

Multnomah has been rocked twice this semester from the dismissal of Steve Patty to the death of Nurse Ellen. It has not been an easy start, but it has been a binding one. I remember the administration gathering the staff and faculty together for a mid-summer meeting to announce our accreditation. It was said then that the road ahead would not be easy - no one obviously forsaw these circumstances arising, but the call to bind together in prayer for the school. Man, how truly necessary that has been.

In the midst of the rain, there is always at least one umbrella. Tre and I celebrated our six month anniversary. He drove his F150 truck all the way from Lincoln City to spend the afternoon with me. We started by getting a cell phones plan and new phones together. Currently he's the only one with my number, and Scott -who I've been warned might prank call me. Then we went to dinner, walked along the water front, and went and got desert. We exchanged gifts - he got me some cute silver bells -- literally that's what the description said and I got him a framed picture of a couple dancing. After desert Tre said he still had half of my present waiting. So we drove home and I waited inside my house while he set things up.

He came inside and then guided me to the backyard. Out on the concrete porch sat two crystal flutes and a mallot. To those of you who may be thinking, "What the heck?" Let me do some preemptive explaining. The crystal flutes in question have the "Stephanie Inn" emblazoned on the front - they were a gift from the hotel I stayed in on my honeymoon. They are also a reminder of what was - and what will never be. Throwing them away, which I'd thought about doing, was kind of like trying to forget what happened. Giving them away felt like I was passing the bad luck onto someone else. But smashing them, smashing them was the only course of action that just felt right.

And smashing them with Tre felt really right. In Jewish custom after the wedding vows are made an item is crushed beneath the heal of the groom- it represents a complete altering of what was, to what is. So, we smashed the hell out of those crystal flutes. And it felt good. (There was no wedding by the way, just in case you were wondering - it's just a metaphor :P ).

We feel good -- I mean Tre and I -- things are going along on their own merry little pace. Tre always says, "We're the best couple in the world," and it's times like breaking glass together that make me agree. 

What a weekend...

  Kelly Clarkston getting her groove on at her last concert of her tour.

Well it's Friday and I am just about ready to begin a new weekend. The only problem is that I'm still recovering from last weekend. On Thursday night I recieved word that my Dad was being airlifted to Sacred Heart hospital in Spokane, Washington because he'd had another heart attack. This heart attack is to the day (August 3rd) when he was airlifted out of Spokane last summer -- weird. Tre and I left immediately on the seven hour trip. I spoke with my Dad when he arrived at the hospital and he made it sound like everything was fine, later we learned that it wasn't. He's had significant heart damage and the doctors had to shock him four times to get his heart back on track. I saw him the next morning with all sorts of tubes and monitors surrounding him. He's 6'3" and the bed hardly seemed long enough for his huge frame. He seemed to have more pain from his ankelosing spondolitis (a form of arthritus that I've inherited -- thanks Dad) than anything. He left the hospital on Saturday and I haven't heard any word as to his health since. I know he had plans of going back to work yesterday even though his doctor advised him to take at least two weeks off.

After that crazy ordeal I drove over to Seattle to spend time with my Mom and sister. Katie and I have been planning on going to the Kelly Clarkston concert for months (thanks Mom) and were able to sit back and enjoy a fabulous summer concert. Katie got to take some amazing photos with her new camera and even got to shake Kelly Clarkston's hand. I was pretty stoked for her. I've uploaded a few shots she took during the concert -- the pictures make it look as if we were practically on stage with her. I had a great time with my little sister and then drove the rest of the way home the following morning.

 

My beautiful sister Katie and me at the Kelly Clarkston Concert.


In a half an hour I'm driving with Lacey to Lincoln City to visit Tre and relax by the beach. Thank you so much to all of you who prayed for me during last weekend. I don't think the outlook is good for my Dad's health and I imagine more emergency trips to Spokane might be in my future. Please keep my family in your prayers as I know each person in my family is affected differently by my Dad's failing health. Also, on another note -- my Grandma Souza (who will be 87 on Sept. 25th) had a minor heart attack last week as well. She's strong, but no one can beat time. A general prayer for my entire family's health would probably go a long way. 

hmmm...3

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

hmmm...2

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

hmmm...

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Friends

 

The following is a writing exercise that I did shortly after my divorce. The women in the picture above were there for me in every way possible. They comforted me, sheltered me, and even fed me sometimes. They reminded me of God's love for me and that he would be and was my perfect husband. They shared their pain with me so that I wouldn't feel like the only one on earth with such heartache. They encouraged love to be the overflow of my heart and not bitterness. They advised me to let God take care of my ex-husband and his choices and not me. They showed me truth in scripture -- places where God's word says he will be a husband, a savior, and a vindicator. They would not let what happened destroy me and made sure that I was drinking deeply of living water. Thank you women of God.

Kelly, a warrior of Jesus Christ by the will of God.

To the maidens of Multnomah Bible College, the faithful in Jesus Christ.

Passion and purity to you from God our Father and the Lord your maker and husband Jesus Christ.

It gives me great joy to write to you, women of the truth, who have obediently responded to the call that God has placed on your life. You are here at Multnomah learning valuable truths and storing up knowledge that will support the foundation of your Christian faith, so that when troubles come you will not be shaken. For beyond the “bubble,” you will face trials of many kinds from those who do not understand your faith and take no part in the covenants developed within your hearts.
Those of you who tend to the seeds of faith developing in your heart will have strong trees of faith that shelter you from the storms that rage and threaten to destroy you. Let the word of the Lord be rooted in your hearts, let its roots be deep and its height a shelter from the heat of the scorching sun.
Many a heart has been broken by love unrequited or rescinded, for those who put their faith in the strength of men will not prosper. Put your faith and hope in Christ –the author of lives and the protector of souls. Do not open your heart to love when it is not yet time, for it is written:

“O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you—
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.”

Give your hearts to the Lord, women of faith. Give your heart to the one who formed it and prepared the muscle to beat within your breast. Do not become snared by the pink mist or lusty diamonds, but prepare your hearts and minds for the ministry that the Lord God has called you to in Christ Jesus. Let God be your counselor, your rock, and the one who shields you from the storms. In him, you can take refuge; in him, you will have courage; in him, you will have the victory. Let your last thought at night be of God. Let your first word in the morning be the name of Jesus. Let not even the birds sing before his name is uttered from your lips. God is your husband, for it is written:

“For your maker is your husband—
the Lord almighty is his name.
The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer
He is called the God of all the earth.”

Be in love with Jesus, women of the faith, be his bride, his friend, and his confidant. Leave false relationships and disillusioned ideas of romance behind you. Love is more amazing than anything you have ever known when the Lord, the gardener of your heart, awakens it. He will bring your love to blossom at the right time, for he is your kinsman redeemer. His is the great and mighty God: a father to the orphaned, a husband to the widowed, and a comfort to those in need.
Look to the women of faith recorded in the word of God. These women are witness and attest to your acts of faith both seen and unseen. Look to Deborah, who led a great army for the Lord, or Ruth, who trusted in the God of Israel even though she was only a Moabitess, or Abigail, who was married to a fool, but out of the goodness of the Lord became a bride of King David.
There are so many more women that I would never finish writing were I to name them all. Look to Sarah, Rebecca, Mary, Elizabeth, Dorcas and many other women of the faith who have proven worthy of our Lord. Look to the women of God around you as models for faith and hope in Christ Jesus.

May grace and peace never leave you. May they be garlands around your neck and a fragrance that draws people close to the God that is at work within your hearts. The truth of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, sisters.

Please send this message onto Moody and Biola University that they may also avoid the snares of the evil one and look to Christ first in their lives.

Dear women, keep your eyes on Jesus, Amen. 

Rational...huh?

Your Personality Is

Rational (NT) You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas. You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy! Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people. In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally. You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought. Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals. In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent. At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia. With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well. As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly. On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

The Three Question Personality Test

"I'll be your candle on the water..."

 
 
 
 
I had the pleasure of escaping the heat of Portland this past weekend and driving out to visit Tre', who conveniently is keeping residence in Lincoln City at the moment. Saturday we had breakfast on the beach and watched it quickly fill up with Portlanders trying to escape the promised 103-degree day. After that we drove over to Newport where Tre' got to deposit his first paycheck. On our way back we decided

to stop off at a Lighthouse that Tre' sees every time he drives to the Salishan Lodge for work.

The lighthouse, to our delight, was open and we got to take a tour of the recently whitewashed and renovated structure. The tour guides were dressed in turn of the century garb and shared some illuminating facts like that the lighthouse’s light has burned for 104 years straight (the only time it was ever out was during Pearl Harbor). The oil they used to keep the light lit was purified pig fat; it didn’t smell like bacon, but it did coat everything with, a "bacon grease" like substance and had to be cleaned every morning. Not too glamorous.

We got to climb (I think it was 134) stairs to the top and have a look around. So, you’re going to laugh, but Lighthouses always make me think of Pete's Dragon -- remember that movie? I think my little sister owns it - for nostalgia sake. This orphan kid finds a dragon named Elliot who ends up saving the day when the light goes out in the Lighthouse by using his fire making abilities to relight the flame. The main character, Nora (don't worry- I had to IMDB that one), lost her husband at sea and waited, her eyes forever combing the waters, for his return. I remember her singing a song that equated her love with the light of the lighthouse..."I’ll be your candle on the water, my love for you will always burn..." Hmmm… that’s got me thinking.

It seems like women are often compared to stalwart figures like Lighthouses or North Stars or Angelic guides. But, aren't we just as screwed up as any man out there? Aren’t we the one’s looking for a leader? We're looking for men to date, not boys, right? So, why is it a natural assumption that a woman is the one who alone should defend her purity? Does that stem from a misconstrued notion of equality, the idea of autonomy, or an undefined concept of purity? I know, it’s probably all three and several other concepts out there I failed to mention :).

Maybe some would view this as antiquated and/or old fashioned, but Tre’ has told me that he feels it is his duty to guard my reputation. His conviction is not that we do what our conscience allows or keep a rule book and chastise ourselves for messing up. Actually, we have fairly few rules, but we do have an understanding
(underscored by wisdom) that we won't take advantage of each other. I can tell it stems from his love for me and not a love for himself or a rulebook. The idea of defending one’s honor is so backwards in today’s economy; it’s so different, but so right.

Why do we naturally assume that it is only a woman who should defend her purity? At the turn of the century being a gentleman was a good and noble thing – men were not considered a good match if they let a woman’s skin get touched by the sun, let alone allow her honor to be put in question. I’m not suggesting that women crawl back into their gilded cages or perch back upon their pedestals. But, why has the iron mantle of defending one’s purity fallen to the slender shoulders of a woman? Where is the man's role in that and why is their purity something that is hardly questioned anymore?

One thing that I appreciate immensely about Tre’ is that he doesn't hoist the responsibility of our purity on me. He doesn't leave me with a decision to make between practicality and purity. He chooses to sleep in his truck because he wants to honor me. Guess what? He knows I’ve been married before, so it’s not an issue of virginity. The beliefs and philosophies that shape this man go much deeper than that. I thought crossing boundaries and messing up were just part of the package, but that hasn’t been the case. It’s been good, healthy, and so freeing. I feel safe with Tre’ because I know he will do and has done all he can to respect and honor me. I don’t wear the "iron" mantle of purity alone - this burden is light because it is not carried by me alone. Tre's leadership allows my focus to also rest on the importance of his purity -- something he has guarded his whole life. Tre is smart enough to not just rely on himself either - I know that much of what we're benefitting from now is because of prayer, so thank You.

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More Zoo Pictures

 
 
 


Here are some more fun pictures from our day! 

Going to the Zoooooooooooooooooooooo!

 
Zebras, giraffes, and elephants oh my! Last Sunday my grilfriend Lisa left for a mission trip to Ireland. In celebration, we girls (Lisa, Becca-Sue, and I) went to the zoo. It was fun and I think one of the best things we could have done for Lisa. We got to walk around and just enjoy the animals -- this picture is of us on an elephant bike used by Pacci the Elephant. I almost accepted an internship at the Oregon Zoo in January 2005. I would have had the opportunity to write about Elephant dung and bat droppings galore. I ended up taking the job at MBC instead and that's worked out pretty well for me. 

Poof 1 and Poof 2

 
 
I promised at the beginning of this blog to locate an old photo of myself taken after unbraiding my cornrows. I was sixteen and on a mission trip... long van rides, very long rides. The blue backdrop behind me was part of a puppet show program we did at a vacation Bible school. Fun times! The other photo was taken last April. I got my hair braided again by a couple of girls at Multnomah. They did a great job -- 140 braids! It looked a lot better than the first time I got my hair braided, sorry SMT girls (and some boys). I let my unbraided hair poof explode again -- it doesn't seem as dramatic because it's not bleached with sun-in like it was the first time, but I think it's still blog-worthy. 

The Inklings

 
These lovely ladies are all members of my home community for the 2005-2006 school year. We took this picture after our last dinner together. We ate downtown at an African restaraunt. We got to use our hands, which worked well for me because I by far turned out to be the messiest eater in our house. It was a great year and it is sad now that it has past. Fortunately, most of these girls are returning (we'll miss you Michelle) and we get to have another girl come join us for the new year. I am looking forward to all the hope and promise this next year will contain. It will be year two -- time to dig in deeper and see what we are really made of. It's going to be great. We have a new myspace. So check out the Inklings and make them your friend.