We have flowers left to figure out (well order -- I know what I want) and wedding decorations. Tre and I both have gotten our rings this week and are going up to the church on Saturday to have a look around and begin working things out with both our wedding and reception coordinator.
Oh, and we start marriage counseling next week. It's been such a whirlwind -- sometimes I feel it's coming to slow, sometimes I feel like I need a break, and sometimes it's not coming quick enough.
People have asked me what's different between then and now. There's a lot of differences between my exhusband and Tre', but as I think about it -- I think the biggest difference between then and now is me.
I'm just a different person now than I was then... and I think that's a good thing. I watched the movie "Catch and Release" with Jennifer Garner a couple weeks ago and really connected with a lot of what the main character went through. The basic synopsis of the story was about a woman who's fiance' died two days before their wedding. There is a lot of grief and pain because of that loss, obviously, but as the movie progresses you see that there was more to the woman's fiance' than she knew. You find out, as she does, that her fiance had secrets -- secrets that she would never have found out about without his death.
Her fiance has a large sum of money and a child that he has been secretly paying child-support for. In the end, after things have been resolved - the mother of the child turns to the main character and say's "You didn't have to know about this, you could have had good memories about him and we messed that up for you..." But, that would have been false -- it would have fed the illusion and would have impeded the growth of Jeniffer Garner's character.
I'm honestly glad that I know what I know about my exhusband. I remember thinking that it would have been easier if he'd just died from his cancer -- then at least I'd have good memories of him. Then he could have been my hero instead of my betrayer. But, that's not what I got. I got a difficult, but real dose of reality when I found out my exhusband had cheated on me. That reality -- that truth changed me -- changed me, I think, for the better.
I took a class called "Recovering in Grace" last fall and the instructor talked about absorbing our pain. It's different than relogating it to the side and pushing it away -- absorbing our pain makes us larger people - people who understand how the world really can fall apart. It's been a harrowing experience, but I wouldn't trade that truth for anything.
So, as Tre and I pick colors, decide on rings, and plan out our ceremony -- I have this vantage point -- and it doesn't make things more scary -- it, crazily enough, makes things more solid.
